And now for all you mambi pambi sorts who insist on being non-offensive to anybody the politically correct edition of, "Twas the Night Before Christmas".
And I even included the Damn Copyright notice.
Twas the Night Before ChristmasPolitically Correct
Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck…How to live in a world that's politically correct?His workers no longer would answer to "Elves","Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the North Pole were alleged by the union to stifle the soul. Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety, Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear that Santa had better not use just reindeer. So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid, Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh; The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A. And people had started to call for the copsWhen they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose and had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation, Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz, Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion That making a choice could cause so much commotion. Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute. Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific. Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets…they were bad for the tooth. Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological. No baseball, no football…someone could get hurt; Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe; And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away. So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed; He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay, But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground; Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue, Everyone, everywhere…even you. So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth…"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth."
Notice: This poem is copyright ©1992 by Harvey Ehrlich. It is free to distribute, without changes, as long as this notice remains intact. All follow-ups, requests, comments, questions, distribution rights, etc should be made to mduhan@husc.harvard.edu .
12/20/10
...The House. Not A Creature...
Tonight we see the parents version of the classic "Twas the Night before Christmas"
The REAL Night Before Christmas(By Parents)
Twas the night before Christmaswhen all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired, in hopes we could manage"Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, while Dad and I faced the evening with dread: a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot! And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes,my heart skipped a beat—let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement; if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appearbut 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear, With each part numbered and every slot named,so if we failed, only we could be blamed.More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out, all over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand.""Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night with "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt. The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest. But I said to my husband just before I passed out,"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring, and not run to the store for one single thing!We did it! We did it! The toys are all setfor the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went, though I supposethere's something to say for those self-deluded—I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
The REAL Night Before Christmas(By Parents)
Twas the night before Christmaswhen all through the house I searched for the tools to hand to my spouse.
Instructions were studied and we were inspired, in hopes we could manage"Some Assembly Required."
The children were quiet (not asleep) in their beds, while Dad and I faced the evening with dread: a kitchen, two bikes, Barbie's townhouse to boot! And now, thanks to Grandpa, a train with a toot!
We opened the boxes,my heart skipped a beat—let no parts be missing or parts incomplete!
Too late for last-minute returns or replacement; if we can't get it right, it goes straight to the basement!
When what to my worrying eyes should appearbut 50 sheets of directions, concise, but not clear, With each part numbered and every slot named,so if we failed, only we could be blamed.More rapid than eagles the parts then fell out, all over the carpet they were scattered about.
"Now bolt it! Now twist it! Attach it right there!Slide on the seats, and staple the stair!Hammer the shelves, and nail to the stand.""Honey," said hubby, "you just glued my hand."
And then in a twinkling, I knew for a fact that all the toy dealers had indeed made a pact to keep parents busy all Christmas Eve night with "assembly required" till morning's first light.
We spoke not a word, but kept bent at our work,till our eyes, they went blurry; our fingers all hurt. The coffee went cold and the night, it wore thin before we attached the last rod and last pin.
Then laying the tools away in the chest,we fell into bed for a well-deserved rest. But I said to my husband just before I passed out,"This will be the best Christmas, without any doubt.
Tomorrow we'll cheer, let the holiday ring, and not run to the store for one single thing!We did it! We did it! The toys are all setfor the perfect, most magical, Christmas, I bet!"
Then off to dreamland and sweet repose I gratefully went, though I supposethere's something to say for those self-deluded—I'd forgotten that BATTERIES are never included!
12/19/10
...Christmas And All Through...
This select variation of the classic poem by Mr. Moore, has a School Theme that some of our readers may enjoy.
Twas the Night Before Finals
Twas the night before finals, and all through the college,The students were praying for last minute knowledge.Most were quite sleepy, but none touched their beds,While visions of essays danced in their heads.
Out in the taverns, a few were still drinking,And hoping that liquor would loosen up their thinking. In my own apartment, I had been pacing,And dreaded exams I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless, his nose in his books,And my comments to him drew unfriendly looks.I drained all the coffee, and brewed a new pot,No longer caring that my nerves were shot.
I stared at my notes, but my thoughts were muddy,My eyes went a blur, I just couldn’t study.
"Some pizza might help," I said with a shiver,But each place I called refused to deliver.
I’d nearly concluded that life was too cruel,With futures depending on grades had in school.When all of a sudden, our door opened wide,And Patron Saint Put-It-Off ambled inside.
Her spirit was careless, her manner was mellow,She wore a white toga, she started to bellow:"What kind of student would make such a fuss,To toss back at teachers what they tossed at us?"
"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes! On last year’s exams!On Wingit and Slingit, and last minute crams!"Her message delivered, she vanished from sight,But we heard her laughing outside in the night.
"Your teachers have pegged you, so just do your best.Happy finals to all, and to all, a good test!"
Twas the Night Before Finals
Twas the night before finals, and all through the college,The students were praying for last minute knowledge.Most were quite sleepy, but none touched their beds,While visions of essays danced in their heads.
Out in the taverns, a few were still drinking,And hoping that liquor would loosen up their thinking. In my own apartment, I had been pacing,And dreaded exams I soon would be facing.
My roommate was speechless, his nose in his books,And my comments to him drew unfriendly looks.I drained all the coffee, and brewed a new pot,No longer caring that my nerves were shot.
I stared at my notes, but my thoughts were muddy,My eyes went a blur, I just couldn’t study.
"Some pizza might help," I said with a shiver,But each place I called refused to deliver.
I’d nearly concluded that life was too cruel,With futures depending on grades had in school.When all of a sudden, our door opened wide,And Patron Saint Put-It-Off ambled inside.
Her spirit was careless, her manner was mellow,She wore a white toga, she started to bellow:"What kind of student would make such a fuss,To toss back at teachers what they tossed at us?"
"On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes! On last year’s exams!On Wingit and Slingit, and last minute crams!"Her message delivered, she vanished from sight,But we heard her laughing outside in the night.
"Your teachers have pegged you, so just do your best.Happy finals to all, and to all, a good test!"
12/18/10
Twas The Night Before...
Clement Clarke Moore wrote a poem and called it, "'Twas the Night Before Christmas(A Visit from St. Nicholas)".
Its been a tradition ever since. But like anything else it has variations. Some funny, some overly spiritual and a few that are down right nasty.
Over the next few days I'll post a few of the variations fit for human consumption.
Here is the first one, called "The Night Before Christmas,Legally Speaking" as only a Lawyer could write, or totally Screw up.
The Night Before Christmas,Legally Speaking
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House,and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.
Respectfully Submitted, s./ The Grinch, Esq.
Its been a tradition ever since. But like anything else it has variations. Some funny, some overly spiritual and a few that are down right nasty.
Over the next few days I'll post a few of the variations fit for human consumption.
Here is the first one, called "The Night Before Christmas,Legally Speaking" as only a Lawyer could write, or totally Screw up.
The Night Before Christmas,Legally Speaking
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned House were located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mamma"), and said Mamma had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtent to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House,and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items. He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the U.S. Tax Code.)
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.
Respectfully Submitted, s./ The Grinch, Esq.
12/2/10
Something Like ...
I just got done reading an editorial in one of the many hobby related magazines available at your newsstand. In this article it made mention of the fact that we are like a giant family. A creature that gathers its many children together and pulls for a cause or organization when called upon for that reason.
We also take care of each other and keeping an eye on those that are in need or in trouble. We noticed this in a major way this past year with a couple of benefits for individuals and organizations that helped stem the tide monetarily and in some cases help raise the morale of our fellow hobbyist.
The big thing that got my attention about this editorial was the mention of the fact that we have this spirit, this family feeling year round. That a majority of the other population in the world around us only has this spirit or feeling about 3 weeks a year, mostly during Christmas.
They say we are Outlaws in a sense, as we use to much Gasoline and are a cause of global warming. They say are vehicles are dangerous and need to be removed from society. They say we are old dinosaurs that will soon be legislated into a nonexistence.
I say they need to come with us for a time and see and feel our family of friends and acquaintances. To see what family is all about. To see what fun can be had and adventures planned.
I feel sorry for those that have no sense of family and wish not to follow those that do. They don't know what they are missing
We also take care of each other and keeping an eye on those that are in need or in trouble. We noticed this in a major way this past year with a couple of benefits for individuals and organizations that helped stem the tide monetarily and in some cases help raise the morale of our fellow hobbyist.
The big thing that got my attention about this editorial was the mention of the fact that we have this spirit, this family feeling year round. That a majority of the other population in the world around us only has this spirit or feeling about 3 weeks a year, mostly during Christmas.
They say we are Outlaws in a sense, as we use to much Gasoline and are a cause of global warming. They say are vehicles are dangerous and need to be removed from society. They say we are old dinosaurs that will soon be legislated into a nonexistence.
I say they need to come with us for a time and see and feel our family of friends and acquaintances. To see what family is all about. To see what fun can be had and adventures planned.
I feel sorry for those that have no sense of family and wish not to follow those that do. They don't know what they are missing
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